Rand Wacker

I’m flying back from Seattle right now, where I went to have some work meetings and then to host a bachelor part for the guy who was my best man, Rob. Having been now to three wildly different send-offs in the past few months (one of which was my own), I’ve come up with a few observations that lend themselves to an enjoyable time for all. Essentially, I think the four key ingredients for a successful guys event include the following:

1. Adrenaline
2. Carnage
3. Stupidity
4. Debauchery

The specific events and the ways in which you weight these will vary greatly by group (mostly in favor of the bachelor’s preferences), but the general categories and ordering have worked well for us so far.

Adrenaline - Go do something crazy and fun. For my party back in January we went snowboarding for three days, for Jonah’s party we went ATV riding through the deserts of Nevada (in the rain…), and for Rob’s party yesterday we went out for half a day of group paintball. (”Have fun storming the castle!”). The point of the Adrenaline activity is to remind everyone what it’s like to have fun and to show the bachelor what they’re going to be giving up after the wife declares crazy activities verboten (just kidding). More importantly, since many parties will have groups of people who may not know each other well or at all, its a group bonding experience that will kick-start the camaraderie you’ll need to torment your victim appropriately for the rest of the night.

Paintball (one of the other guys ideas) was a fantastic event that allowed us the proper level of group interaction, child-like play time, and ample opportunity to degrade Rob. Other good events I’ve heard of in the past include rafting trips, backpacking, and other things that don’t require specialized skills only some of the group might have a jump on (downhill mountain biking, for example).

Carnage - Food and drink, lots of it. Plan for having a very good meal somewhere that the bachelor will enjoy. If not vegetarian, big steaks are highly recommended. For Rob’s party we ate a fantastic place in Seattle I hadn’t been to before, Jak’s (that meal rated as one of my top four steaks of all time).

Stupidity - While childish and rowdy behavior is expected to happen all throughout the event, now is the time to take it to its peak. After dinner go out and par-tay. Find a club/bar/casino with an environment and patronage that can facilitate in your fun. Gambling is one good option, but needs to be punctuated with extreme acts of lunacy like getting nubile young women to help embarrass the crap out of the guy getting married. If you chose your venue right, volunteers will not be hard to find, and gives the entire group reason to mingle and socialize. The external factors are always going to cause some of the most hilarious moments to remember.

One of the best planned nights of stupidity I’ve partaken in involved matching T-shirts for all of the guys with a picture of the bachelor on the front, and on the back of hist shirt a list of missions that he had to complete by the end of the night. The Last Vegas Strip is a fantastic place to undertake these missions and I guarantee that everyone will have a good time if the tasks are suitably ludicrous and the bachelor suitably embarrassable.

Debauchery - The long-held but oft controversial tradition of strippers. Not controversial for political reasons, but because there are people who JUST DON’T CARE. For some reason, its almost impossible for people who love strip clubs to comprehend any other points of view on the subject. I’m one of the former category: not really all that interested. For example, while at any given establishment there may be some small number of women who actually are attractive instead of just scary (way less than ten percent usually), the mechanical and soul-less nature of the business makes it all the more uninteresting. The main reason this step usually does make it in to the agenda is to embarrass the bachelor (see “Limits”, below). Depending on your group, there will usually be some number of people who fit the latter category above, and wanna see boobies. That’s fine, if the goal of embarrassing the bachelor can be fulfilled while remaining within or at The Limits, then everyone’s purpose can be served.

One major point I want to make on this activity. It is beyond the bounds of even bachelor party behavior to ever goad, taunt, or force anyone to participate in this step. Encourage, motivate, and bribe if you want to, but the final choice is up to each of the participants. If someone really doesn’t want to go or if they’re significant other would have issues with them doing so and for that reason they are going to opt out, then that person has my highest respect. It takes a hell of a lot more guts to stand up for yourself or your girl than it does to go do something you know they are going to hate you for and then lie about it to them.

Limits - This is a specific note to party organizers (usually the Best Man). It is a good idea (nay, required in my book) to sit down with your victim beforehand and have them enumerate specific things they don’t want to happen. It is then up to you to plan an event that goes right up to that line, but no further than. I’m talking major broad strokes here, but they are important ground rules to lay down that are often overlooked. Some specific examples that may be verboten are “no hookers”, “no hard drugs”, or “no ‘private shows’”. “Don’t embarrass me” is not a definable limit and so would better be summed up as “I don’t want a party.”

Set these limits quite a while before the party, so their judgment is unaffected by alcohol or fear. Bachelor parties are an expected time of poor judgment, so laying down some very clear ground rules can help prevent unfortunate events that can have lasting consequences. As the Best Man, you have to balance responsibilities to the guests, the bachelor, and other people who might be affected by fall-out. Don’t fuck it up, and go have a good time.